To the Stepmother of My Children,
I am writing to you as the mother figure in my children’s
lives in their dad’s home. Children need
mothers to be nurturing, comforting, and gentle teachers. In fact, the root word for “discipline” is “teach”. The two boys feel very stressed when visiting
their dad for the weekend. They feel
they are barely tolerated and aren’t allowed to make small, normal mistakes
without immediate punishment or constant threats of punishment. They feel they cannot respectfully speak up
for themselves without being told they are “sassing”, when they are people who simply
are trying to be understood. I don’t
know if you and their father truly understand how deeply stressed they
are. They love their father, but have an
extremely difficult time when it is their weekend to be there. Of course there will be some adjustment going
from one household to another, and that is to be expected. And there will always be things about each
household that they don’t like, and that’s normal too. But it has come to be that they are asking
and pleading not to have to go to Indy when it’s their weekend to go. And when they come home, they each break down
sobbing about their time there.
I understand I am only hearing one side of how things are.
This is their perception of how things are, and what they perceive is what their
reality is. What the boys are asking for
is compassion, patience, and respect.
Are they loud?
YES!
Are they bouncy?
Yep.
Can they try our patience simply because they are children?
Oh yes.
Are they perfect?
Nope.
None of us are. As
children, their brains are still developing, and they are still learning about
the world around them; how things work, how to behave in various situations,
how to read other people, how to handle their emotions. As adults, when we make a mistake, or lose our
patience, what helps us in that moment? Support? Empathy? Understanding? Kind guidance? These
two boys need these also.
The boys did not have a say in their father moving 100 miles
away from them. They really didn’t have a say in whom he chose as a partner and
to share their household. But when they told me that you and their father were
marrying, they were very happy. They
liked you so much and always said how nice you were to them. Those two sweet
boys asked me to teach them how to bake and frost a cake so they could make one
as a gift for you. They’ve never done
that for anyone else.
Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard,
too. You are helping to shape their
childhood and creating memories for them and with them. What kind of memories do
you want to make?
When they are adults and look back on their childhood, how
will they remember their time at home? How will they remember us? How will they
speak of us?
You have such an influence on how these sweet boys grow up. As
the mothers of our households, we truly set the mood for our family. The world
can be a tough place, but we can make their home a safe and comfortable haven. A place to be themselves, make mistakes, and
have a soft place to land. And learn how to do better the next time.
I don’t know if this will affect how the interactions
continue between you, but I needed to speak up on their behalf. My sons are the most precious gifts God could
have ever given to me. I love the way the older one thinks. His imagination and cleverness is out of this
world. He’s ridiculously smart, and has a thirst for knowledge and how things
work. And the younger one is so sweet
and tender-hearted, things affect him deeply. He’s very perceptive to people’s feelings and
extremely compassionate. And SO
funny! He makes me laugh every day, even
when I’m starting to lose my patience with him.
I hope you are able
to enjoy each of them individually for their own unique personality.
-AM
