To the Stepmother of My Children

To the Stepmother of My Children,

I am writing to you as the mother figure in my children’s lives in their dad’s home.  Children need mothers to be nurturing, comforting, and gentle teachers.  In fact, the root word for “discipline” is “teach”.  The two boys feel very stressed when visiting their dad for the weekend.  They feel they are barely tolerated and aren’t allowed to make small, normal mistakes without immediate punishment or constant  threats of punishment.  They feel they cannot respectfully speak up for themselves without being told they are “sassing”, when they are people who simply are trying to be understood.  I don’t know if you and their father truly understand how deeply stressed they are.  They love their father, but have an extremely difficult time when it is their weekend to be there.  Of course there will be some adjustment going from one household to another, and that is to be expected.  And there will always be things about each household that they don’t like, and that’s normal too.  But it has come to be that they are asking and pleading not to have to go to Indy when it’s their weekend to go.  And when they come home, they each break down sobbing about their time there.

I understand I am only hearing one side of how things are. This is their perception of how things are, and what they perceive is what their reality is.  What the boys are asking for is compassion, patience, and respect. 

Are they loud?

YES!

Are they bouncy?

Yep.

Can they try our patience simply because they are children?

Oh yes.

Are they perfect?

Nope.

None of us are.  As children, their brains are still developing, and they are still learning about the world around them; how things work, how to behave in various situations, how to read other people, how to handle their emotions.  As adults, when we make a mistake, or lose our patience, what helps us in that moment? Support?  Empathy? Understanding? Kind guidance? These two boys need these also.

The boys did not have a say in their father moving 100 miles away from them. They really didn’t have a say in whom he chose as a partner and to share their household. But when they told me that you and their father were marrying, they were very happy.  They liked you so much and always said how nice you were to them. Those two sweet boys asked me to teach them how to bake and frost a cake so they could make one as a gift for you.  They’ve never done that for anyone else.    

Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard, too.  You are helping to shape their childhood and creating memories for them and with them. What kind of memories do you want to make?

When they are adults and look back on their childhood, how will they remember their time at home? How will they remember us? How will they speak of us?

You have such an influence on how these sweet boys grow up. As the mothers of our households, we truly set the mood for our family. The world can be a tough place, but we can make their home a safe and comfortable haven.  A place to be themselves, make mistakes, and have a soft place to land.  And learn how to do better the next time.  

I don’t know if this will affect how the interactions continue between you, but I needed to speak up on their behalf.  My sons are the most precious gifts God could have ever given to me. I love the way the older one thinks.  His imagination and cleverness is out of this world. He’s ridiculously smart, and has a thirst for knowledge and how things work.  And the younger one is so sweet and tender-hearted, things affect him deeply.  He’s very perceptive to people’s feelings and extremely compassionate.  And SO funny!  He makes me laugh every day, even when I’m starting to lose my patience with him.  

 I hope you are able to enjoy each of them individually for their own unique personality.

-AM

Babies are...

Let's get one thing straight.

Babies are not convenient. 

Not from the moment they attach their minuscule selves to our insides, making us crave bologna sandwiches for breakfast, yet sending us running for the nearest thing to hurl into at the faintest whiff of a vanilla-scented candle.  And certainly not when we become completely wiped out after such rigorous activity as, say, making ourselves a piece of toast.  And later down the road, when their presence is more visible and they instigate a fun game of Guess Which Limb That Is, Jabbing Me in the Ribs/Stomach/Bladder/Kidneys/Liver and God Knows What Else.  And as for the poor mom who endured the bizarre sensation of her baby using his teeny, pokey little fingers to tickle the very bottom of her uterus before he was born, and  no amount of jumping, pressing, or yelping would make it stop, her baby was certainly not convenient. 

Most of us are familiar with the numerous trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the attempts at turning over onto our other side without trying to wake up all the way, and the ridiculous feeling that we've swallowed a beach ball as we try in vain to put on our own socks.

Certainly, none of that is convenient.

The simple, natural act of relocating those babies from within our bodies, into the outside world, is probably the least convenient thing that I can think of.  Natural, yes. Convenient, no.

Guess what?  That amazing creature who amused us with its inconvenient antics, gave us great material with which to bond with other mommies, not to mention a trump card to win any argument with our spouse for the rest of our lives, will not suddenly become convenient after he has moved out of our uterus.

We accept the fact that our children do not come into the world ready to use the toilet.  We spend a bundle on diapers and accept the whole poop thing, and hope we have a camera ready the first time daddy gets squirted in the face by his new baby boy.  We have a child knowing we will change their diapers and wipe their bottoms some eight or nine thousand times before they are potty trained.

Then why on earth do some not accept that feeding and nourishing their child may not be the most convenient thing for mom?  Why do some parents decide it isn't worth the investment of a little more of their time and effort to give their baby the most superior nourishment, designed just for them?  Let me put in the disclaimer here: This post does not refer to that tiny percentage of moms who, despite their absolute, very best efforts, and due to very special circumstances, wound up having to bottle feed.  I am talking about all parents who decide it's just not worth the "hassle" for mom to have to be the one to feed the baby all of the time.  There is a biological reason for this setup.  A baby is meant to have lots and lots of close cuddling with their mama, and nursing encourages this close contact. 

It has been proven that breastfed babies have lower obesity rates later in life, along with fewer allergies and a better immune system, along with countless other benefits.  Plus, it's free, always at the right temperature, and frankly, I thought this was a tremendously convenient way to feed my baby.  No powder, cans, measuring, or getting the water to be just right. Baby's hungry? Lift shirt. Baby's happy.

I just think it would be lovely if people everywhere would view breastfeeding as the most natural, logical thing.  I never want to hear another story of a woman being told to feed her child in the bathroom or being given dirty looks for nursing in public.  I would love to hear mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters and husbands encouraging the new moms in their families to breastfeed.  A positive environment can go a long way for a new mom who is nursing. All of us can support them. Yes, it can have its challenges, so negative comments, or talk of giving up breastfeeding, in favor of what is "easier", can be very discouraging to an already tired mom.

We are supposed to be an evolved society.  Let's behave as such and encourage all new moms to give their babies the best possible start in life by breastfeeding.  It has been scientifically proven to be the superior baby food, the absolute best thing we can nourish our babies with.  Don't they deserve our absolute best?