To the Stepmother of My Children

To the Stepmother of My Children,

I am writing to you as the mother figure in my children’s lives in their dad’s home.  Children need mothers to be nurturing, comforting, and gentle teachers.  In fact, the root word for “discipline” is “teach”.  The two boys feel very stressed when visiting their dad for the weekend.  They feel they are barely tolerated and aren’t allowed to make small, normal mistakes without immediate punishment or constant  threats of punishment.  They feel they cannot respectfully speak up for themselves without being told they are “sassing”, when they are people who simply are trying to be understood.  I don’t know if you and their father truly understand how deeply stressed they are.  They love their father, but have an extremely difficult time when it is their weekend to be there.  Of course there will be some adjustment going from one household to another, and that is to be expected.  And there will always be things about each household that they don’t like, and that’s normal too.  But it has come to be that they are asking and pleading not to have to go to Indy when it’s their weekend to go.  And when they come home, they each break down sobbing about their time there.

I understand I am only hearing one side of how things are. This is their perception of how things are, and what they perceive is what their reality is.  What the boys are asking for is compassion, patience, and respect. 

Are they loud?

YES!

Are they bouncy?

Yep.

Can they try our patience simply because they are children?

Oh yes.

Are they perfect?

Nope.

None of us are.  As children, their brains are still developing, and they are still learning about the world around them; how things work, how to behave in various situations, how to read other people, how to handle their emotions.  As adults, when we make a mistake, or lose our patience, what helps us in that moment? Support?  Empathy? Understanding? Kind guidance? These two boys need these also.

The boys did not have a say in their father moving 100 miles away from them. They really didn’t have a say in whom he chose as a partner and to share their household. But when they told me that you and their father were marrying, they were very happy.  They liked you so much and always said how nice you were to them. Those two sweet boys asked me to teach them how to bake and frost a cake so they could make one as a gift for you.  They’ve never done that for anyone else.    

Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard, too.  You are helping to shape their childhood and creating memories for them and with them. What kind of memories do you want to make?

When they are adults and look back on their childhood, how will they remember their time at home? How will they remember us? How will they speak of us?

You have such an influence on how these sweet boys grow up. As the mothers of our households, we truly set the mood for our family. The world can be a tough place, but we can make their home a safe and comfortable haven.  A place to be themselves, make mistakes, and have a soft place to land.  And learn how to do better the next time.  

I don’t know if this will affect how the interactions continue between you, but I needed to speak up on their behalf.  My sons are the most precious gifts God could have ever given to me. I love the way the older one thinks.  His imagination and cleverness is out of this world. He’s ridiculously smart, and has a thirst for knowledge and how things work.  And the younger one is so sweet and tender-hearted, things affect him deeply.  He’s very perceptive to people’s feelings and extremely compassionate.  And SO funny!  He makes me laugh every day, even when I’m starting to lose my patience with him.  

 I hope you are able to enjoy each of them individually for their own unique personality.

-AM

Aquarium or Bust! Bust!

Saturday was the first official day of spring break. It was a rainy morning. Batman was feeling spontaneous and thought we should hit the road and take the kids to the aquarium.  It's an hour and a half away, perfect for a day trip. We ate breakfast and kept the aquarium a secret. We told the kids to get dressed and get ready to run some errands.  Dodging raindrops, we piled into Batman's roomy SUV.

Eventually, the kids began to wonder where exactly we were going.  We put them off a few times, but they were persistent.  When they absolutely had to know, we played Twenty Questions and they guessed on the very last question.

A quick stop for a late lunch near the aquarium made us realize it was quite a bit chillier than at home. And it was still raining.  We navigated the parking lot and finally made it to the actual building. We figured it wouldn't be too crowded; after all, it was late afternoon and wouldn't most people be headed the opposite direction toward Florida?

We were (in the words of Tabatha Coffey) gobsmacked at the ridiculously long line. Batman stood in line while the kids and I took cover under an awning. It was pretty chilly and still raining.  We all had worn spring jackets but they were not enough. The much lower temperatures really caught us off-guard.  And there was my hubby, standing in line wearing short sleeves, getting pelted by nearly-frozen raindrops. After a few minutes, I took the kids and guiltily ducked into a little candy store nearby for warmth. I watched my hubby move very very slowly through the line.

And then he called me.  They were only letting a few people at a time into the aquarium because they were already at capacity. He was still a good half-hour from even getting tickets, and even then our tickets would have an entrance time on them- a half-hour or hour from when we actually had the tickets in hand. Yikes.  Even if all that worked out, we were still cutting it close on time- the aquarium was due to close in an hour and a half.  We wouldn't have as much time as we would like.  What to do? Disappoint the kiddos? Wait it out in the rain, gambling with our time?

I gave the kids the scoop. And you know what? They really impressed me. They all voted that we should come back when the weather was nicer or at the very least, we would have more time to wander through and enjoy ourselves.  As disappointed as I was about missing out on all the aquarium had to offer, I was really proud of my kids for making a mature decision. And so willingly!

We freed my hubby from the line. He joined us in the candy shop.  We rewarded the kids by letting them choose a fun treat and headed home. A simple dinner of warm soup and gooey grilled cheese sandwiches warmed us up.  A cozy evening on the couch with a movie has ended our day nicely.  A relaxing family day together with easy-going children and a few laughs was a wonderful way to begin our spring break. The entire week is ahead of us, and the best part- we still have an exciting trip to the aquarium to look forward to!

Mother of the Year

Today I am being completely obnoxious, and am awarding myself
Mother of the Year.
 I am giving myself this award for Showing Kindness Where It Is Not Deserved, for Sucking It Up and Taking The High Road, for Infinite Patience in Circumstances I Thought I Would Never Find Myself In (I know, I know. It's "in which I would never find myself". Whatever.).

Is this my first time being awarded Mother of the Year?  Oh no.  I've been nominated and awarded this to myself many times over the years.

Those long nights, pacing the floor, swaying, patting, shushing, and nursing on very little broken sleep. Enduring countless episodes of baby spit up for five months straight.  Finding a job to support my beautiful babies after my husband financially devastated us, then left me.  That one time I had my sick two-year-old (and his ten-month-old brother) at the doctor's office and she very sweetly told me I would be going home, packing an overnight bag for my son and for myself, and to take him to the children's hospital.  He had pneumonia, and I "slept" next to him through the night while the IV worked it's magic.  Those long days of teething and tantrums.  The times during the public meltdowns of one or both toddlers, when I would smile at onlookers and say, "Don't forget your birth control!" and scoop my little ones up to go home for a nap...

Today is different though.  My boys are a bit older, so the things that require more of me have changed. This time, my oldest declares he wants me to teach him how to bake a cake. I am thrilled! We used to bake together often when they were toddlers and loved it!  The past few years find me pleading for them to work with me on cupcakes or cookies.  They sort of start to help me out, but get distracted and wander off, leaving me to do the work.  They just want me to let them know when the treats are ready. That's just not as much fun for me.

But Julian wants to learn to bake on his own, and I excitedly tell him he is certainly old enough. Then he explains he wants to make a cake for his dad and his bride-to-be.  As a gift.  His brother wants to make his own, also. Ah.

Ok. So we are making cake.  Yes, I will teach them, but their cake must be all their own.  And while at Target, I show them all the pretty wedding cards.  I ask if they want to pick one out to congratulate their dad and his fiancé. They do! They each choose just the right one.  Then they choose a gift card for them.  Look at me, being the bigger person! I mentally pat myself on the back.

This may be normal for some divorced families, but certainly not over here. This is all very groundbreaking. I mean, it was only a decade ago that I was huge and round and nearing the delivery of my firstborn.  Had someone whispered in my ear that before my child's tenth birthday, I would be married to someone else and helping my boys choose a wedding gift for their dad, no way would I have believed it.  Their father barely speaks to me. Ever.There are no kindnesses extended, nothing like that. I am always biting my tongue, taking the high road, doing what's best for my children.

So we now have made all the cakes.  We choose and buy frosting. Now we need boxes to transport them in. Then Julian wants a small bride and groom to top his cake. It's hard to find anything at a reasonable price. We try to get creative. We are in a time crunch. I've spent much of my time and energy on helping each boy bake their very own cake.  And frost. And the dishes. And he really, really wants a bride a groom for his cake. I am so over the whole cake thing.  But this is important to my child.  And in a year from now, what's going to matter most? So my child gets the bride and groom that he wants (I feel a teensy bit better when I find a coupon for it).  He is happy.  That's really all that matters.

The boys both did beautiful jobs with their cakes. They are so proud to discover how capable they are. It shows in their faces.

 Knowing I helped each child create and give the gift they wanted to their father makes me a better mother.  I left all pettiness aside, because this isn't about me or my ex. It's all about the boys.

So for all the single parents, divorced parents, step parents, working parents, at-home parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and guardians.  For all of those moments when you Sucked It Up and Took The High Road, Held Your Tongue when you wanted to say something snarky, Did The Right Thing even though it wasn't fair, Kept It To Yourself for the sake of your children, and Acted Out Of Love for the sake of your beautiful babies, I also award you Mother of the Year.
Now pat yourself on the back. Hug your babies, no matter their age. No reward could possibly be greater.

Scared the daylights out of me!

It's February.  But it's also Kentucky, so it rained overnight.  In the wee hours of the morning, an enormous BOOM! woke me from my sleep.

Heart pounding, I sat up in bed.  A few low rumblings followed as I waited to hear small footsteps approach my bedroom. The steps never came, no knocking on my door. I fell back to sleep to the dripping of the rain, but no more thunder.

A few hours later, the cloudy day greeted my family.  I asked Gabriel if he even heard the giant, loud BOOM! of thunder.  Surprisingly, he did. He said he had thought about coming to my room, but decided he would just cover his head with his pillow if he heard another.  

"It was SO loud", I said. "It scared the daylights out of me."

Gabriel replied, "You mean the night lights, Mom. It scared the night lights out of you. Cause it happened during the night."

Ah, yes.  That's what I meant.

Feeding my family and getting organized

I am now a mom with all of my children in school. This has been quite the transition for me, much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I still work part time, and right now hours at work are fairly low. I have been immersing myself in getting caught up around the house. Life was pretty chaotic when we married a year-and-a-half ago. My husband was working his usual 60+ hours every week, I was working 20 hours a week, and we merged our families and had to figure things out as we went along.

When we all moved into our lovely home, some things never really got unpacked, and some things that did, never really got a home. So I've been catching up and organizing like crazy. I am currently obsessed with a few organizing blogs: iheartorganizing.blogspot.com, orgjunkie.com (I'm an Organizing Junkie). These women have great ideas and are inspirational.

I am also putting a concerted effort into the art of feeding my family. I have learned so much about the crap that passes for food in our country, and just how imortant it is to read labels and be proactive about what we bring home and prepare for our families to eat. I absolutely adore Jessica Seinfeld's two cookbooks- Deceptively Delicious and Double Delicious. Both books feature recipes that include sneaking vegetable purees into dishes that even picky kids and husbands will like. I am making better use of my slow cooker, thanks to the A Year of Slow Cooking blog.

A cupcake I made from Deceptively Delicious- it has pumpkin puree and a yummy cream cheese frosting with a bit of cinnamon added. No plastic-y frosting and the kids loved it!

Something else that has intrigued me: making bento lunches for my kids! This is a whole thing in japanese culture. And now American moms all over the place are creatively cutting out veggie, cheese and fruit shapes, sometimes making faces on them, and tucking them artfully into teeny silicone holders that form to the corners of the lunchboxes, keeping everything beautiful, fresh, and neat for lunchtime. I even discovered hard boiled egg molds! You peel warm eggs and put them into the various molds, submerge them in cold water for a few minutes, and voila! Your child gets to enjoy a bunny-shaped egg for lunch later. There are so many moms blogging about this- taking pictures of what containers they use and what yummy, pretty lunches their kiddos get to enjoy. I was so excited to get started with my bento lunches, that yes, I too took pictures.

My first bento-style lunch. I have since bought larger silicone "cupcake" holders to hold trail mix, fruit, and the hard-boiled eggs in various shapes. The kids are really enjoying these!

So in addition to sharing all that is crazy in our blessed, child-rearing, family-blending lives, I will pass along some practical things that are making our family life easier, healthier, or enriching it in any way. After all, we mommies need to stick together!