To the Stepmother of My Children

To the Stepmother of My Children,

I am writing to you as the mother figure in my children’s lives in their dad’s home.  Children need mothers to be nurturing, comforting, and gentle teachers.  In fact, the root word for “discipline” is “teach”.  The two boys feel very stressed when visiting their dad for the weekend.  They feel they are barely tolerated and aren’t allowed to make small, normal mistakes without immediate punishment or constant  threats of punishment.  They feel they cannot respectfully speak up for themselves without being told they are “sassing”, when they are people who simply are trying to be understood.  I don’t know if you and their father truly understand how deeply stressed they are.  They love their father, but have an extremely difficult time when it is their weekend to be there.  Of course there will be some adjustment going from one household to another, and that is to be expected.  And there will always be things about each household that they don’t like, and that’s normal too.  But it has come to be that they are asking and pleading not to have to go to Indy when it’s their weekend to go.  And when they come home, they each break down sobbing about their time there.

I understand I am only hearing one side of how things are. This is their perception of how things are, and what they perceive is what their reality is.  What the boys are asking for is compassion, patience, and respect. 

Are they loud?

YES!

Are they bouncy?

Yep.

Can they try our patience simply because they are children?

Oh yes.

Are they perfect?

Nope.

None of us are.  As children, their brains are still developing, and they are still learning about the world around them; how things work, how to behave in various situations, how to read other people, how to handle their emotions.  As adults, when we make a mistake, or lose our patience, what helps us in that moment? Support?  Empathy? Understanding? Kind guidance? These two boys need these also.

The boys did not have a say in their father moving 100 miles away from them. They really didn’t have a say in whom he chose as a partner and to share their household. But when they told me that you and their father were marrying, they were very happy.  They liked you so much and always said how nice you were to them. Those two sweet boys asked me to teach them how to bake and frost a cake so they could make one as a gift for you.  They’ve never done that for anyone else.    

Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard, too.  You are helping to shape their childhood and creating memories for them and with them. What kind of memories do you want to make?

When they are adults and look back on their childhood, how will they remember their time at home? How will they remember us? How will they speak of us?

You have such an influence on how these sweet boys grow up. As the mothers of our households, we truly set the mood for our family. The world can be a tough place, but we can make their home a safe and comfortable haven.  A place to be themselves, make mistakes, and have a soft place to land.  And learn how to do better the next time.  

I don’t know if this will affect how the interactions continue between you, but I needed to speak up on their behalf.  My sons are the most precious gifts God could have ever given to me. I love the way the older one thinks.  His imagination and cleverness is out of this world. He’s ridiculously smart, and has a thirst for knowledge and how things work.  And the younger one is so sweet and tender-hearted, things affect him deeply.  He’s very perceptive to people’s feelings and extremely compassionate.  And SO funny!  He makes me laugh every day, even when I’m starting to lose my patience with him.  

 I hope you are able to enjoy each of them individually for their own unique personality.

-AM

Aquarium or Bust! Bust!

Saturday was the first official day of spring break. It was a rainy morning. Batman was feeling spontaneous and thought we should hit the road and take the kids to the aquarium.  It's an hour and a half away, perfect for a day trip. We ate breakfast and kept the aquarium a secret. We told the kids to get dressed and get ready to run some errands.  Dodging raindrops, we piled into Batman's roomy SUV.

Eventually, the kids began to wonder where exactly we were going.  We put them off a few times, but they were persistent.  When they absolutely had to know, we played Twenty Questions and they guessed on the very last question.

A quick stop for a late lunch near the aquarium made us realize it was quite a bit chillier than at home. And it was still raining.  We navigated the parking lot and finally made it to the actual building. We figured it wouldn't be too crowded; after all, it was late afternoon and wouldn't most people be headed the opposite direction toward Florida?

We were (in the words of Tabatha Coffey) gobsmacked at the ridiculously long line. Batman stood in line while the kids and I took cover under an awning. It was pretty chilly and still raining.  We all had worn spring jackets but they were not enough. The much lower temperatures really caught us off-guard.  And there was my hubby, standing in line wearing short sleeves, getting pelted by nearly-frozen raindrops. After a few minutes, I took the kids and guiltily ducked into a little candy store nearby for warmth. I watched my hubby move very very slowly through the line.

And then he called me.  They were only letting a few people at a time into the aquarium because they were already at capacity. He was still a good half-hour from even getting tickets, and even then our tickets would have an entrance time on them- a half-hour or hour from when we actually had the tickets in hand. Yikes.  Even if all that worked out, we were still cutting it close on time- the aquarium was due to close in an hour and a half.  We wouldn't have as much time as we would like.  What to do? Disappoint the kiddos? Wait it out in the rain, gambling with our time?

I gave the kids the scoop. And you know what? They really impressed me. They all voted that we should come back when the weather was nicer or at the very least, we would have more time to wander through and enjoy ourselves.  As disappointed as I was about missing out on all the aquarium had to offer, I was really proud of my kids for making a mature decision. And so willingly!

We freed my hubby from the line. He joined us in the candy shop.  We rewarded the kids by letting them choose a fun treat and headed home. A simple dinner of warm soup and gooey grilled cheese sandwiches warmed us up.  A cozy evening on the couch with a movie has ended our day nicely.  A relaxing family day together with easy-going children and a few laughs was a wonderful way to begin our spring break. The entire week is ahead of us, and the best part- we still have an exciting trip to the aquarium to look forward to!

Mother of the Year

Today I am being completely obnoxious, and am awarding myself
Mother of the Year.
 I am giving myself this award for Showing Kindness Where It Is Not Deserved, for Sucking It Up and Taking The High Road, for Infinite Patience in Circumstances I Thought I Would Never Find Myself In (I know, I know. It's "in which I would never find myself". Whatever.).

Is this my first time being awarded Mother of the Year?  Oh no.  I've been nominated and awarded this to myself many times over the years.

Those long nights, pacing the floor, swaying, patting, shushing, and nursing on very little broken sleep. Enduring countless episodes of baby spit up for five months straight.  Finding a job to support my beautiful babies after my husband financially devastated us, then left me.  That one time I had my sick two-year-old (and his ten-month-old brother) at the doctor's office and she very sweetly told me I would be going home, packing an overnight bag for my son and for myself, and to take him to the children's hospital.  He had pneumonia, and I "slept" next to him through the night while the IV worked it's magic.  Those long days of teething and tantrums.  The times during the public meltdowns of one or both toddlers, when I would smile at onlookers and say, "Don't forget your birth control!" and scoop my little ones up to go home for a nap...

Today is different though.  My boys are a bit older, so the things that require more of me have changed. This time, my oldest declares he wants me to teach him how to bake a cake. I am thrilled! We used to bake together often when they were toddlers and loved it!  The past few years find me pleading for them to work with me on cupcakes or cookies.  They sort of start to help me out, but get distracted and wander off, leaving me to do the work.  They just want me to let them know when the treats are ready. That's just not as much fun for me.

But Julian wants to learn to bake on his own, and I excitedly tell him he is certainly old enough. Then he explains he wants to make a cake for his dad and his bride-to-be.  As a gift.  His brother wants to make his own, also. Ah.

Ok. So we are making cake.  Yes, I will teach them, but their cake must be all their own.  And while at Target, I show them all the pretty wedding cards.  I ask if they want to pick one out to congratulate their dad and his fiancé. They do! They each choose just the right one.  Then they choose a gift card for them.  Look at me, being the bigger person! I mentally pat myself on the back.

This may be normal for some divorced families, but certainly not over here. This is all very groundbreaking. I mean, it was only a decade ago that I was huge and round and nearing the delivery of my firstborn.  Had someone whispered in my ear that before my child's tenth birthday, I would be married to someone else and helping my boys choose a wedding gift for their dad, no way would I have believed it.  Their father barely speaks to me. Ever.There are no kindnesses extended, nothing like that. I am always biting my tongue, taking the high road, doing what's best for my children.

So we now have made all the cakes.  We choose and buy frosting. Now we need boxes to transport them in. Then Julian wants a small bride and groom to top his cake. It's hard to find anything at a reasonable price. We try to get creative. We are in a time crunch. I've spent much of my time and energy on helping each boy bake their very own cake.  And frost. And the dishes. And he really, really wants a bride a groom for his cake. I am so over the whole cake thing.  But this is important to my child.  And in a year from now, what's going to matter most? So my child gets the bride and groom that he wants (I feel a teensy bit better when I find a coupon for it).  He is happy.  That's really all that matters.

The boys both did beautiful jobs with their cakes. They are so proud to discover how capable they are. It shows in their faces.

 Knowing I helped each child create and give the gift they wanted to their father makes me a better mother.  I left all pettiness aside, because this isn't about me or my ex. It's all about the boys.

So for all the single parents, divorced parents, step parents, working parents, at-home parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and guardians.  For all of those moments when you Sucked It Up and Took The High Road, Held Your Tongue when you wanted to say something snarky, Did The Right Thing even though it wasn't fair, Kept It To Yourself for the sake of your children, and Acted Out Of Love for the sake of your beautiful babies, I also award you Mother of the Year.
Now pat yourself on the back. Hug your babies, no matter their age. No reward could possibly be greater.

Scared the daylights out of me!

It's February.  But it's also Kentucky, so it rained overnight.  In the wee hours of the morning, an enormous BOOM! woke me from my sleep.

Heart pounding, I sat up in bed.  A few low rumblings followed as I waited to hear small footsteps approach my bedroom. The steps never came, no knocking on my door. I fell back to sleep to the dripping of the rain, but no more thunder.

A few hours later, the cloudy day greeted my family.  I asked Gabriel if he even heard the giant, loud BOOM! of thunder.  Surprisingly, he did. He said he had thought about coming to my room, but decided he would just cover his head with his pillow if he heard another.  

"It was SO loud", I said. "It scared the daylights out of me."

Gabriel replied, "You mean the night lights, Mom. It scared the night lights out of you. Cause it happened during the night."

Ah, yes.  That's what I meant.

Picnic Dinner!

The gloomy rain seemed to match my mood the other day as I followed my hubby around the house, watching him pack for his trip.  He will only be gone a few days, but I always feel a bit unsettled anytime he flies.  Thank goodness for Skype!  He was able to say a quick goodnight to me last night, and the kids were thrilled to see him this morning before they went off to school.  Technology really is something.

It's been a rough few weeks around here. I was home with Julian for a full week while he suffered from a wicked virus.  Had to rearrange my work schedule, as in ask my very flexible coworkers to cover for me.  It's probably a good thing we don't all have kids or it could have been a very interesting winter at the store! The boys have been a bit "cheeky", we'll say, lately.  It seems they have a fit and argue and complain anytime anything is asked of them.  Maddie has her own issues with the attitude she sometimes gives off.  Lots of snow days, lots of illness, which are both unusual around here.

 I think the good news is, spring seems to be creeping up on us- maybe winter is actually over!  The thunderstorms we had here overnight were pretty intense, but the boys slept throught it.  I really expected company in my bed around 4:30 this morning because of it.  School was delayed by two hours, and we noticed at breakfast that our grill (fairly good-sized and heavy) had been blown several feet across our deck. We still have power, and no tree limbs came crashing down, so pretty uneventful for us.

With hubby gone, the kids and I enjoyed one of our favorite dinner traditions- what we call a Picnic Dinner.  This healthy dinnertime treat began when I was a single mom and my boys were preschoolers.  I should call it Mommy CopOut Dinner, because that's closer to reality.  On evenings when I was truly exhausted and still wanted to feed my boys a sound dinner, I would excitedly tell them we were having a picnic for dinner! This would usually mean us sitting around the coffee table in our living room, which was a very big deal.  I would gather grapes, apple slices, strawberries, orange slices, baby carrots, sliced red peppers (yes, they love them!), some cheese cubes, whole grain crackers, pretzels and yogurt.  I would artfully arrange the fresh fruits and veggies on a few platters that I had and voila! Dinner was served. If we really needed some fun, I would pop popcorn- they love this! It definitely makes it feel more like a party or fun snack-fest.  It's still my most requested meal from them.  We have it less often now that I am married to a meat and potatoes guy, so it's still a treat and still special. We change it up, depending on what we have in the house- sometimes a variety of dips is offered with the veggies, and I am still trying to get them to like hummus. Even without the hummus, it is probably the healthiest overall meal they can have- it's super fresh, has tons of color from the variety, whole grains, and protein.  And it's their favorite.  My friend tried this with her seven-year-old, and said he really got a kick out of it!

Does your family have any special meal traditions like this?

Feeding my family and getting organized

I am now a mom with all of my children in school. This has been quite the transition for me, much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I still work part time, and right now hours at work are fairly low. I have been immersing myself in getting caught up around the house. Life was pretty chaotic when we married a year-and-a-half ago. My husband was working his usual 60+ hours every week, I was working 20 hours a week, and we merged our families and had to figure things out as we went along.

When we all moved into our lovely home, some things never really got unpacked, and some things that did, never really got a home. So I've been catching up and organizing like crazy. I am currently obsessed with a few organizing blogs: iheartorganizing.blogspot.com, orgjunkie.com (I'm an Organizing Junkie). These women have great ideas and are inspirational.

I am also putting a concerted effort into the art of feeding my family. I have learned so much about the crap that passes for food in our country, and just how imortant it is to read labels and be proactive about what we bring home and prepare for our families to eat. I absolutely adore Jessica Seinfeld's two cookbooks- Deceptively Delicious and Double Delicious. Both books feature recipes that include sneaking vegetable purees into dishes that even picky kids and husbands will like. I am making better use of my slow cooker, thanks to the A Year of Slow Cooking blog.

A cupcake I made from Deceptively Delicious- it has pumpkin puree and a yummy cream cheese frosting with a bit of cinnamon added. No plastic-y frosting and the kids loved it!

Something else that has intrigued me: making bento lunches for my kids! This is a whole thing in japanese culture. And now American moms all over the place are creatively cutting out veggie, cheese and fruit shapes, sometimes making faces on them, and tucking them artfully into teeny silicone holders that form to the corners of the lunchboxes, keeping everything beautiful, fresh, and neat for lunchtime. I even discovered hard boiled egg molds! You peel warm eggs and put them into the various molds, submerge them in cold water for a few minutes, and voila! Your child gets to enjoy a bunny-shaped egg for lunch later. There are so many moms blogging about this- taking pictures of what containers they use and what yummy, pretty lunches their kiddos get to enjoy. I was so excited to get started with my bento lunches, that yes, I too took pictures.

My first bento-style lunch. I have since bought larger silicone "cupcake" holders to hold trail mix, fruit, and the hard-boiled eggs in various shapes. The kids are really enjoying these!

So in addition to sharing all that is crazy in our blessed, child-rearing, family-blending lives, I will pass along some practical things that are making our family life easier, healthier, or enriching it in any way. After all, we mommies need to stick together!

Ninety percent of the time

I need to take a poll.

I thought the biggest things most couples fought about were money or sex. My husband and I really do fine in those areas. We get along beautifully, enjoy a shared sense of humor (thank goodness!) and are really quite happy together. When we do disagree, ninety percent of the time it's about: The Kids!

Why did no one tell me about this?

I'm still trying to figure this one out. I guess when my boys were babies, their father really didn't get the whole baby thing, knew I already had experience in this area and left most of the decision making to me. By the the time my boys were toddlers, I was a single mother making all of the decisions by myself. As they get older, their care becomes slightly less physical and more about what goes on in their little minds. So much more is about taking advantage of those "teaching opportunities" when possible, answering the constant questions, and setting the moral expectations in the family.

Blending with Batman has been a crash course in shared parenting. It's been great at times, because my interesting husband is so good at answering the kids' questions about everyday things. How does this work? How many people have ever been to the moon? Why do you stack the wood that way in the fireplace? The boys have gotten so used to his explanations, that if I hesitate after they ask me a question, they automatically say "that's a Batman question, huh?" My husband has made me give more thoughtful, in-depth answers to their questions simply by his example. And he really enjoys sharing his knowledge, as most dads do. Also, I now have reinforcements! It is so nice having that other adult there to back to me up.

It's interesting, though, because here we are, years into our children's upbringing, and there's suddenly someone else to consider when deciding whether or not your child can do this or that and how certain situations should be handled. And not to mention the miscommunication!

"Why are you letting him do that? I just said he couldn't."

"Well you didn't tell me that. How was I supposed to know?"

I could list many variations of the above exchange, but for all parents, it's probably familiar. We've come to an agreement that above all, we need to present a united front to the kiddos, and work out any disagreements or objections out of their earshot. If one of us convinces the other to change their mind about a decision given to the children, we always come back to the kids and say we've discussed it and we've decided on the new decision. This way, it's not "Mommy talked Batman into it" or "Mommy was wrong and Batman was right."

We certainly are far from perfect, but I think we are finally getting it more right than not. We are kind to each other when we disagree, try to fight fair, yield to the other's wishes when appropriate, and keep our sense of humor. Our love for each other and that sense of humor are what get us through each time.

Well, that and watching Modern Family together on Wednesday nights after the kids are in bed.

Here we go....

"Mom, do you know how babies are made?" asks Julian, completely out of the blue at dinner.

"Yes I do."

Pause.

I eye my seven-year-old, wondering where this will lead.

"So do I," he says cheerfully. "Daddy told me some stuff."

Pause.

"So what do you think about what Daddy told you?"

"Welllll... kinda gross and kinda cool."

I laugh. "Well, how babies are made IS kind of gross and kind of cool."

Before I can find out just how much "stuff" his dad has told him, he asks if I want to know what Daddy said to him, so I can validate how much of it is accurate. I consider my five-year-old sitting at the table with us, take a breath, smile and say, "Sure!"

"Well there's a baby cell," he begins. "And it starts to divide into two cells, then four, then eight..." He eventually gets to the part where each group of cells develops into a specific body part for the baby- muscle cells, eye cells, bone cells, then individual parts like limbs and things. We have an interesting and enjoyable conversation about just how much the babies can do, even while still growing in their mommy's belly.

After a moment, I ask "So Julian, what was the gross part?"

"Oh. The baby cells, when they split up."

Whew.

What? September?! When did that happen?

Oh yes. When I was trying to squeeze every last ounce of summer joy with my beautiful boys as summer vacation drew to a close. It was happening as we bought school shoes, backpacks, and folders. It happened as I prepared Gabriel for what kindergarten would be like for him, and as we read "Twas the Night Before Kindergarten." It happened while the boys posed with their new lunchboxes for first day of school pictures. And while Gabriel clung to me, not quite ready for me to leave him in the classroom for the very first time. And while I sat in my car a few moments later, crying harder than I had in a very long time.

Time continued to fly as we adapted to the familiar routine of the school year: after school snacks, homework, and make-sure-the-kids-get-outside-to-play-time.

Gabriel is adjusting well to school. Little aspects of his personality are emerging, and it's fun to watch him have a social life. I am feeling good about the rest of the school year for him.

During a checkup, the doctor spotted the Spiderman sticker the nurse had given Julian and asked if he was really into superheroes. His pensive reply: "Nah, I'm more of a Toy Story kind of guy."

We've broken temperature records here- all last week was in the 90's. No sign of rain, but today actually felt like September. And with October on the horizon, that's a good sign.

I am slowly getting used to being by myself during the day (when I'm not at work), but it's still an odd feeling. Maybe once you become a mother, you always feel weirdly incomplete when your children are not around.

Batman and I stumbled upon an opportunity to enjoy a swing dance lesson while a local jazz band played near our house. Batman had been traumatized more than a decade earlier while taking dance lessons in preparation for his upcoming (first) wedding. Apparently, the instructor was really picky and somewhat harsh. I have never taken any kind of dance as an adult, but always wanted to. I was thrilled when Batman volunteered to give lessons another try. We had so much fun! It was so much more enjoyable for my hubby to have patient, friendly and laid-back people teaching him how to have fun in this creative, energetic way. I picked up on things better than I anticipated, and I think we may be hooked. I was stunned when my husband looked at me and said even though our schedules are a bit crazy and we have these three kiddos, he really wants to do this with me. He said, "What do we need to do to make this happen?". I just love when he gets excited about something, especially when it involves something fun we can do together. When you're a single parent trying to date, it's not the same as when you were single the first time around. There just aren't the same opportunities to go out, at least not as frequently, when you have little ones in your care, and various schedules to juggle. This is especially true if both dating partners have children. I am always reading how important it is for a couple, especially once they become parents, to have a social life together, to keep their dating life fresh and alive. I completely agree. Perhaps it is even more important for those who were parents first, and many of their dates were usually the "play" kind. So lots of fun for us to look forward to!

Not much in the way of pictures at the moment- my hubby is rearranging everything, and I can't access them right now. Will definitely catch up on those later.

Mystic

Our family trip to Mystic, Connecticut was wonderful! The kids were really good in the car, although less well behaved elsewhere. My grandparents were finally able to meet my kiddos, and Gabriel in particular really resembles my grandfather. It was nice to have everyone together in person. My aunt and uncle made time in their busy schedules to come by and see us for an afternoon, and it was great visitng with them as well.

I also got to get to know my sister in person for the very first time ever! We had a very brief meeting years ago, but without the circumstances to really connect. We've chatted on the phone and exchanged emails, so it was a thrill to really get to spend time with her. I was able to meet her fiance, and he really took to the kiddos. Chased them around and around the yard and let them tackle him a time or two. And as a very special bonus, I was able to meet my brother for the first time as well! It was unexpected, and so very wonderful. His wife was there too, and our kids took to her immediately. They all are such beautiful people, and I cannot express how blessed I feel to finally have them in my life. I really treasure the family connection, so to have my family grow by four, all at once, feels incredible. I am a lucky girl, indeed!

This trip really was about family, so we kept our schedule light- we didn't want to pack in a bunch of activities and wear everyone out. So that's what we did. We met my grandparents at The Nautilus- the world's first nuclear-powered submarine. It is docked in New London and open for tours. The cool thing about this for me is that my grandfather was stationed on it for two years when I was very young. How fun was it to get a personal tour of the very sub he was on! The kids were excited to go on a submarine, but once there were more fascinated by the jellyfish they spotted in the water- go figure.

On Monday, Batman had some work he absolutely had to be online for. So he stayed at the hotel, and I took three children out to explore the quaint little town of Mystic. We spent the morning enthralled by the little drawbridge that opens at forty past the hour to let the boats through. We watched a seagull swoop down and snatch bread from the water without stopping, which delighted the little guys. Where did we stop for lunch? Mystic Pizza, of course! And it really is a slice of heaven! Tons of memorabilia decorates the walls, and the movie plays nonstop in each room of the restaurant. And it really is delicious.

We browsed in some of the stores and stopped for ice cream in the afternoon. Gabriel was covered in chocolate ice cream (doesn't it figure that the messiest child wants chocolate?), and was enjoying it so much he ran into his brother's cone! So there's a nice glob of strawberry ice cream right near his eye, which I guess complimented the dark brown that covered the rest of his face. My feeble attempts to keep the kids somewhat tidy with small, papery napkins were in vain. So I just let them have at it, then headed for the public bathroom to wash up. Sometimes as a parent, you just have to let it go. Those times often make the best memories.

Before we even left, my darling husband was already online checking out airfare, to see when I could go back to visit my family. Perhaps in the fall, and this time without the little guys. I just love that he really saw how much it meant for me to spend time with everyone.

As much as I enjoyed my visit, it felt really good to get back home. We're sort of back into our routine. We just got the list of school supplies for each grade in the mail, along with classroom assignments. There are all kinds of back to school and kindergarten orientation events. I cannot believe it is that time already. So we will really make the most of these last weeks of summer break. Lots to do and not do, while we still can. Tomorrow Batman will grill for dinner, and I think it might just be a good night to let the kids stay up late and catch fireflies.

Summer so far

Here it is, the middle of July, and we are truly enjoying the lazier days of summer. The kiddos sleep as late as they want (although usually that means only an extra half hour or so), we're not as rushed in the mornings or after dinner, and I usually only have one lunch to pack in the morning- my hubby's.

We've gone swimming a few times, enjoyed the splashpark, and played in the sprinkler plenty. The boys and I occasionally cuddle up on the couch together and treat ourselves to an afternoon movie. And today, during a rare summer rainstorm, we baked a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies together.

Earlier in the spring, we started a container garden of sorts. I have basil, lavender, and lemon balm on the deck. Each child chose a veggie to grow and care for- Gabriel planted a tomato plant, Julian wanted to grow green peppers, and Maddie chose a different kind of green pepper along with the cabbage she started at school. Our little garden is doing well; we've enjoyed a tomato, picked by a very proud Gabriel, and one of Julian's big green peppers- dipped in Marzetti's creamy ranch- yum! And I think when Maddie comes over tomorrow, she'll be ready to pick her first pepper. It's been very rewarding to see the kids take care of their own plants, eagerly checking for produce progress. They water, check every leaf for holes, pet, and talk to their plants. They are much more likely to taste and actually eat what they have grown themselves. They surprised me by devouring the mini-cabobs I made them using Gabriel's tomato, fresh mozzarella, and a tiny basil leaf, all speared on a toothpick. You can bet next year our garden will be much, much bigger.

My work hours have been reduced, partly by my request, since most of my pay goes to childcare expenses during the summer. I am thrilled to be getting so much done around here. So much seems to be put on the back burner when I am working more, helping with homework, packing five lunches in the morning, and just keeping up with all the mayhem in general. And since this is our last summer before all my kids are in school (sniff!), I am trying to enjoy as much time with my little guys as possible. The other day, Julian slightly overlapped two hulahoops behind his back and exclaimed, "Look, Mom! I have a Venn diagram on my butt!" Gabriel is endlessly entertaining (and sometimes frustrating)- he corrected Maddie when she said "care-a-mel" (we grew up pronouncing it "car-mel"). Julian jumped in and explained that Caramel was the Jewish way of saying Carmel. I guess that's funny for those of you who know that Batman and Maddie are Jewish, and we are not. We got a good laugh out of that one.

And last night, we saw Gabriel get up to go to the bathroom, which is a pretty common occurrence with him. Instead of going to the kids' bathroom, he went into ours. I thought I better go check on him. When I got upstairs, I could hear him peeing, but couldn't find him. It wasn't till I went around the corner in our bathroom that I found him. He had just peed in the bathtub. He was clearly sleepwalking. I walked him back to his room, tucked him into bed, then went to clean up the tub.

We're getting ready to take a family trip to Connecticut. My grandparents and aunts and uncles live there, and have never met my children. I am looking very forward to seeing them and having them meet my wonderful new hubby and all my kids. Our plan is to take the kids swimming for the afternoon to get them completely worn out, feed them a good dinner, get them in their jammies, and leave around their bedtime. Batman will drive overnight, and hopefully the kids will sleep for most of the trip. We can hope. The swimming strategy should work well, since the last time I took them, the two hours we were in the pool completely wiped out Gabriel. He was so exhausted he could barely eat his dinner. I have never seen such a bouncy child eat in slow motion before!

Lots to do before the trip. I have been really dragging due to some kind of cold virus or something. It's hard to be a mommy, helping everyone else when you feel lousy. But everything is getting done, and soon we'll be on our way. I'm sure there will be lots to write about when we get back.

This entry feels very disconnected and all over the place, but I would say that's pretty fitting for our life right now.

Panic! At the splashpark

Our zoo has a wonderful splashpark to enjoy all summer long. It's a great way to stay cool and let the kids run around (make that walk around) and have fun. We usually allow time to dry off and feed the lorikeets nectar. It's one of our favorite ways to spend a hot afternoon.

Batman and I were excited to take all three kiddos to the splashpark today. I have taken the boys and Maddie on several occasions, but we've only enjoyed the park together as a family once.

Fountains spouting, buckets pouring, children squealing; it was all going so smoothly. Gabriel was super excited about the little waterslide- just his size, Maddie enjoyed pumping water so it would spray out the top of the water tower, and Julian was off splashing in the water by himself, probably enjoying the solitude of being in his own little world. I alternated between sitting in the shade enjoying conversation with my husband while keeping tabs on the kids, and making the rounds actually watching each of them. The cool spray was refreshing each time I made my rounds, and I was relishing the enjoyment on each of my children's faces as they played.

And then it happened.

Somehow, Julian and Gabriel collided (there is some debate over whether or not actual pushing was involved), and Julian fell, whacking his chin on a metal spout close to the ground. I watched him fall, and it really did look like it hurt. When I checked him out, his chin was already swelling and turning blue. A tiny bit of blood rimmed a bottom baby tooth, and he was wailing loud enough for one of the employees to come check on him. We were grateful when she brought an ice pack. No stitches required, and no teeth lost. We decided to pack it up and head home.

He is absolutely fine, but the huge bruise on his chin has continued to change colors as the evening wears on. It almost looks as if he has a small purple goatee. It doesn't bother him to talk or eat, so I'm thankful for that.

We took it easy the rest of the day. I joined the kids in a board game while Batman dozed on the couch. We enjoyed copout pizza for dinner. The boys helped out at the grocery store, and later settled down for a story before bed.

All in all not a bad day. I feel bad for my kiddo anytime he gets hurt, and am stunned Gabriel has yet to break a bone or somehow land us in the ER by now. But today could have been much worse, so I am counting my blessings and at the same time waiting for the next mishap that is sure to happen when there are three healthy, active children in the home.

Fishy, Flappy, and Stripey

I will begin by saying Batman feels terrible about it. Just terrible.

The day before Father's Day we had a mishap with our aquarium. We lost all of our fish.

It was a true accident. The aquarium had been quite successful for many, many months. Each child chose two fish of their own to keep in the 55 gallon tank. We had an interesting variety of semi-aggressive fish, and they all got along very well. The kids chose a Silver Dollar fish for Batman, since silver is his favorite color. Julian chose one of those little catfish-like sharky-looking things, Maddie had a colorful catfish type as well, and Gabriel had two large goldfish.

And Stripey.

Gabriel was so very excited the day he picked out Stripey at the pet store. He showed the helpful lady the exact one he wanted, even though they all pretty much looked the same. When she went to scoop him with her net, Stripey leaped out of his tank, and fell, like, seven feet to the floor. He flopped around while we searched for him. Gabriel spotted him, and the very nice lady offered to get us a different fish, just in case. Of course, Gabriel was SET on this one, and started talking to him in his little plastic bag right away. He thought the whole incident was hilarious, completely unaware that his new pet may have a concussion, or worse, and may not make it throughout the week. I thanked the woman, and told her we would risk it. She reminded me to keep my receipt in case I should need to make an exchange.

We never needed it.

Stripey thrived and grew and had his own little personality. He became the biggest fish in the tank! Gabriel took very good care of the fish, and enjoyed his responsibility. Fishy, Flappy, and Stripey were Gabriel's actual pets. He fed them twice a day, talked to them every morning, told them to be nice to each other, and really loved them.

The unfortunate fish incident seeped into our planned grilling time. By the time we broke the news to the kids, it was getting a bit late. The older two were disappointed about losing their fish, but Gabriel was truly heartbroken. He cried, I cried, Batman felt just awful. We decided to forgo the grilling, and distracted the kids by taking them to IHOP as a treat. Batman and I exchanged amused glances when Maddie thought she might want to order fish (he convinced her otherwise). And the most touching moment of the evening was when Gabriel put his hand on his stepdad's arm and said, "I'm really very sorry that your fish Silver Dollar died."

So we are taking the week to get the aquarium cleaned out (again) and ready for a new family of fish. We explained to the kids that of course it wouldn't be the same, but it would still be lots of fun. We are all looking forward to it!

Boys Are Gross

Boys are gross.

Or is it just kids in general?

Yeah, maybe it’s just kids, period.

My boys used to have good aim when going potty- I don’t know what’s been happening lately. I am also finding giant globs of toothpaste all over their damp hand towel. The same kind of hand towel that Julian decided was enough to soak up an entire sink full of water. All that did not make it into the towel wound up all over the floor. And the other day, I found a booger stuck to one of my books. The one entitled- get this- “The Everything Guide to Raising Boys”.

*sigh*

Where is the chapter called “Tissues: the Complete Users’ Guide”?

Yesterday, Gabriel’s T-shirt sleeve was encrusted with yogurt because he had used it as a napkin (again), and this morning swung a belt around just enough to break the glass globe on the ceiling fan in his room. He sports a nice little scratch on his forehead from this. We later came home and immediately Maddie was yelling that the cat yarked on her bed (guess that is more of a pet thing. Still…). Later in her room I found she has shredded chunks of her cocoa butter lotion bar all over a fabric-covered Dr. Seuss book.

And nevermind the constant string of potty talk, which I believe my kids are getting just a bit old for. Surprisingly, though Gabriel tends to be the worst offender in this category, Maddie, who is eight and a girl, is often the instigator. It doesn’t take long for the two younger boys to join her in the hilarity.

I have found myself saying sternly to my children, “will you please act like you have parents who teach you manners?!” I feel like I have been working diligently and consistently day in, and day out, three meals a day- plus snacks- to teach them how to behave at the table, and it’s all just not sinking in. I thought they’d sort of get it by now. I am hoping if I stay patient (and consistent, and diligent), that it will pay off one day, and there will be well-mannered, conscientious, somewhat tidy people sharing my home with me. Of course, by the time this happens, they’ll be mostly grown, preparing for life on their own, and it just won’t be near as amusing if one of them wipes a booger on my book.

So I will keep trying, very consistently, ever-so-diligently, to do my absolute best with these little beings in my care, and all the while I will squirrel away these little tales for later. And not just so I can reminisce about their precious younger years.

But also for blackmail.

Catching Up

Yes, it's the middle of June already. Yes, I have missed capturing all the weird and wonderful-ness that is our family on here. Yes, I have failed once more on doing something for myself on a consistent basis. And yes, I have had a long day, not spent any time with my husband, and probably should be in bed.

Lots to catch up on, will probably have to fill this in as I go. The school year ended wonderfully for Maddie and Julian. Gabriel and I shared our "last" lunch together at home, without the other kids. He is going into kindergarten in August, and I am having a bit of a hard time with this.
This means a complete end to an entire chapter in our family's life. No more toddlers, no more preschoolers. No more sippy cups, stroller rides, car seats, or watching Blue's Clues in the morning. I have big kids now. It's just...different.

With three children between us, my husband and I have decided we are finished. So we have "his," we have "hers," but there will be no "ours." Batman feels very strongly that the three we have are definitely "ours" together, and I love that he has that sense of family. Oh, I could be talked into another very easily. I loved, loved being pregnant, and it sure would be nice to actually raise a toddler together with a partner (someone I like, even!), something I missed out on the first time around. This decision is a good one for our family, in our circumstances, and I am okay with it.

With Gabriel off to school next year, the possibilities for me seem endless. I work part time, so there will be days when I can, say, go grocery shopping by myself. What a treat! I can start a task around the house and be able to finish it! Imagine the things I will get accomplished without constant interruptions. Maybe I will actually read something more than two paragraphs long. That doesn't rhyme! Entire novels even! Try on clothes before I buy them because I don't have an impatient preschooler with me, asking LOUD, inappropriate questions in the fitting room? Yes I can!

Our yard needs attention, the basement is in desperate need of being organized, and after thoroughly enjoying my boys' preschool years, there are things I actually want to do for myself. I am almost giddy with anticipation of this time I will have for myself. I do wonder if I will even know what to do with myself, after being a two- and three-people unit for so long.
In the meantime, I am enjoying my time with them this summer, bickering, bruises, and all. I am focusing on really being present with them, soaking up the joyous (and even not-so-joyous) moments we have together, because it will all change, all too quickly. Life is always fluid, ever flowing, ever changing. Tiny tweaks made to our daily routines, little changes here and there, and pretty soon, you look around, and it's all very different. And it didn't happen all at once. And I think that's why it sometimes happens without our even noticing. Because it happens in tiny increments, little bits at a time. Which is probably the only way some of us could handle it.

So we're off to a great summer.

I look forward to sharing about our anniversary dinner. It was lovely. And in true Batman fashion, it didn't go off without a hitch.

The Voice Mail

So I got a phone call from my 4-year-old this morning.
I was enjoying a rare moment of selfishness by staying in bed after 7 a.m. - all three kids are with their other parents, a rare treat that some parents in blended families get to enjoy once in awhile. I missed the call, but heard that two voice mails were left for me. When curiosity overcame my indulgence, I checked my messages.
The first was from Gabriel, telling me he had a new drill from Build-a-Bear Workshop for his favorite snuggly, Bowtie. And that I should tell Bowtie this for him.
The next message was from Julian, who's 6, saying that the drill is actually made for some Worker Bear, and that Bowtie would not be getting it.

Did my kids really just have an argument on my voice mail??

In addition to the entertainment from my beautiful boys this morning, Batman and I really enjoyed a lovely evening together for the first time in many months. We actually ate dinner together, enjoying warm food, entire sentences, and not once did anyone burp aloud and laugh hysterically, causing hysterical laughter from other diners. There were no warnings of spilling drinks or losing dessert. No pleadings to behave as if one actually had parents who really were trying to instill some level of human-like behavior at the table.

It was wonderful.

Do I enjoy a quiet meal with my sweetie more now that it is such a rare occurrence? I think all parents come to appreciate the little things that we probably took for granted in our pre-kid lives. Enjoying an uneventful dinner, the ability to go to the bathroom for three minutes in peace, running to the store -real quick- for just two things. So I guess this makes us all just a bit easier to make happy, since our lives have been much more complicated by these small, wonderful beings we have brought into the world.

Lower standards. Greater joy. Ahhh.... the bliss of having children!

And now I have an important phone call to return.

The Beginning

So we're creeping into a new year, a new decade, even. And I feel the need to work aloud all that goes with blending two families. My new husband and I were married this summer in a beautiful ceremony in our new home. It's been...interesting... trying to navigate all the shared responsibilites that come with marraige alone, but when you throw kids into the mix, it really complicates things. My husband and I each divorced while our children were very young, so we pretty much parented alone prior to our relationship, so parenting with a partner is a new experience for both of us.

So lots of questions here, lots of answers, and lots of fun and real experiences of our family trying to knit itself together.

Like when our 4-yr-old was cranky after our brief marraige ceremony, and we were trying for One. Good. Family. Picture.

Our friend and photographer Sam was very patient and caught on when I was whispering potty words into Gabriel's ear just to get a smile out of him. Our final shot is all of the kids yelling "Pooooooop!" for the camera.

So there you go.

And can I ask, When do parents have sex?????